Memorable quotes for
You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008) More at IMDbPro »

Zohan: I just want to make people silky-smooth!

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Claude: It's not that big.
Zohan: No, not that. The bush, is biggest you ever seen, right?

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Gail: Usually he's harder than trigonometry.

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[Zohan shows Gail the gel that was thrown at the salon; Gail tastes the gel]
Gail: Oh, that's Neosporin! I use it on cuts and on genital sores.

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Salim: [to the two women riding his cab] You are a stupid cow!

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Zohan: I only be stiff for you.

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Michael: What are you? Bionic?
Zohan: No, I only like the ladies.

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Michael: Well, tonight's our night for the Community Nightwatch.
Zohan: The Communism tight crotch? What?

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Dalia: Zohan! He has a bomb... and puppies!
Zohan: No!
James: Imma blow up this whole block, Imma blow you up, Imma blow up these puppies! And we all gone' go to hell together, cause I hate these puppies!

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Zohan: So let's go.

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Zohan: Unbelievable! This enema gets to live his dream...!

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Zohan: [Zohan approaches apprehensive-looking young kid sitting in Barber chair] Young man! Look what I have found here, a nice balloon. Do you want it?
[hands kid balloon]
Zohan: You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular man, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this.
[kid bursts into a flood of tears, Zohan nerve pinches him and the kid slumps unconscious in his seat]
Zohan: Well then, at least it is good time to shave his neck...

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Zohan: [the limo passenger is battered about as Zohan hits warp-factor 10 speeding through the streets] Don't worry! I will lose them!
Limousine Passenger: Nobody's following us!

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Exec 1: What's hummus?
Tom: It's a very tasty diarrhea-like substance.

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The Phantom: Okay, okay, okay! What you want, huh?
Salim: I want muchentuchen restaurant chain.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: But if I tell, you no have chain anyway.
The Phantom: So, you not give any incentive.
Salim: Okay. I want 50 percent of muchentuchen chain. We call it "Phantom & Salim Muchentuchen".
The Phantom: No.
Salim: Twenty-five percent.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I want yogurt shop attached to store, like food court.
The Phantom: Okay.
Salim: I get profits from store.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: Some profits.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I get free yogurt when I come to store.
The Phantom: Okay. Within reason.
Salim: And... I want some of your wives.
The Phantom: How many wives you want?
Salim: Twenty.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: I sleep with one wife.
The Phantom: No.
Salim: She give one pee-pee touch.
The Phantom: Okay.

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Zohan: It is... you. Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this. I cannot make sticky with anyone else. *You* are the special one. I will only be "Steve" for you.
Dalia: Uh, who is Steve?
Zohan: Stiff, with an F.

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[first lines]
Danny: You don't mess with the Zohan!

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Zohan's Father: You've caught so many terrorists, it's an art. You're like Rembrandt with a grenade.

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Zohan: [after being smacked in the face with a paddle] Why you do this? You know I feel no pain.
The Phantom: No no no no no... I feel no pain!

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