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"Two and a Half Men" (2003)
[Charlie has arranged a "play date" for Jake]
Charlie: The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.
Alan: Are you happy?
Charlie: I have my moments, but they're getting farther apart.
Alan: What's the matter with you?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker... We spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan: Show me the better.
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
Evelyn Harper: I'm not speaking to you.
Charlie: OK
Evelyn Harper: Do you want to know why?
Charlie: No, I trust your judgment.
Charlie: Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.
Charlie: Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me, any more.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.
Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh.
Alan: This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.
Judith: How was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.
Alan: Jake, go to your room.
Jake: If you're going to talk about sex, why don't you go to your own room?
Alan: [turning to Jake] Now!
[looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date]
Alan: That her?
[blows his nose]
Alan: I'm cured!
Charlie: I remember your high school friend Jamie Eckleberry. We used to call her Eckleberry Hound.
Alan: You used to call her that.
Charlie: I didn't name her that. I just spread it around. Hey, be sure to keep her off the rug.
Alan: Very funny. You know she's very successful in her field.
Charlie: Oh, how nice. She has a field to run around in!
Alan: This is getting old.
Charlie: In people or dog years? Look, I'll be nice. I'll say hello... then scratch behind her ears.
Alan: Are you done yet?
Charlie: I hope she looks fetching. OK, now I'm done.
[There's a knock at the door. Jamie enters, wearing a curve hugging dress and showing off lots of cleavage]
Charlie: [with his mouth hanging open] Woof!
Charlie: Bought some hamburgers, Bought the hats; ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.
Alan: Hold on Mom,
[puts a hand over the phone]
Alan: Charlie, Mom says if she is ever comatose, she wants you to decided to pull the plug or not.
Charlie: [doesn't even think about it] Pull.
Alan: Mom, Charlie on board.
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.
Alan: Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.
Alan: She just throw me out after ten years!
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Frankie: You're gonna get laid tonight.
Alan: [starts tearing up] I think I might cry again.
Jake: I understand.
Charlie: Do you?
Jake: No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.
Charlie: I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.
[Charlie has run into some financial trouble]
Charlie: I can't do this anymore. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.
Charlie: A clueless woman is a happy woman.
Charlie: Drugs! Get me drugs!
Alan: No. Medication will only mask the pain.
Charlie: Fine, mask it! Give it a cape and let it fight crime, I don't give a damn!
[after Alan forgot to pick him up at school]
Jake: How many kids you got?
Alan: [to Charlie] Does your penis have an off switch?
Charlie: [after Jake spends a night at Evelyn's house] Do you realize that he
[Jake]
Charlie: did in one night, what we could never do in our lifetime.
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: He chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan: It was a beautiful thing.
Sherri: [standing in the bedroom, wearing a negligee] You're unbelievable, Alan.
Alan: Now, that could be taken a number of ways...
Sherri: Get out!
Alan: No ambiguity there.
Charlie: [making a deal with Alan while standing at a urinal] Want to shake on it?
Charlie: [their mother just came to visit] So... to what do we owe the...
Evelyn Harper: Pleasure?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
Evelyn Harper: Well, I just felt like coming by to see some people who I love very much.
Alan: And they weren't home?
Evelyn Harper: [Evelyn left her bra in Charlie's car] Now go get Mommy's bra.
[Charlie stands and pulls the bra out of his pocket. Pause]
Evelyn Harper: Oh, darling, that's just sick.
[Evelyn takes the bra. Starts to walk away, then turns back to Charlie]
Evelyn Harper: Seek help.
Evelyn Harper: [Evelyn's in the hospital. Charlie keeps pulling out a plug and re-inserting it] Charlie, what are you doing?
Charlie: Practicing.
Judith: Now was that so hard?
Alan: No, actually, it was surprisingly easy.
[shuts door]
Alan: All I had to do was bend over and unclench.
Evelyn Harper: I need to find something black.
[for the funeral]
Charlie: I think your heart counts.
Charlie: [Alan is supposed to have a colonoscopy, and is very worried about it] Count your blessings; in the old days, they had to send a sketch-artist up there.
Isabella: [chanting] Annoint him, annoint him, annoint him.
Charlie: [singing] I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me, girl, you just don't realize what you do to me.
Rose: When your psyche is iffy, you can't get a stiffy.
Charlie: Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either.
Charlie: People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.
Judith: I think he needs to see someone.
Alan: What, you mean like a shrink?
Judith: No, I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce - he's not processing his emotions in a healthy way and I think therapy could help unblock him.
Alan: Where did you get that?
Judith: From my therapist.
Alan: [sarcastically] Who's working wonders for you.
Judith: Excuse me!
Alan: [sincerely] Who's working wonders for you.
Alan: He's just a normal 11-year-old boy who happens to be grumpy.
Judith: And I'm just a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience, and by patience I mean Prozac.
Alan: Wait a minute, you can't still be 35.
Jake: Hey uncle Charlie, what's green, has four legs and if it falls out of a tree onto you it will hurt
Charlie: I don't know what.
Jake: A pool table ha ha ha ha that's funny because you wouldn't think of that.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Do you like puppets?
Jake: Not really.
Dr. Linda Freeman: [taking out the cow-puppet and changing her voice] Neither do I!
Charlie: [while shopping for perfume for the mother] We're looking for perfume for our mother's birthday.
Female worker in department store: Do you know what her favourite scent is?
Charlie: Yes, do you have Chanel #666?
Alan: You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?
Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart.
Alan: That's typical, nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie: Alright, you can chop off her head and put it onto a stake for the villagers.
Alan: Thank you!
[repeated line]
Alan: Nevertheless...
Alan: There's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you Charlie
Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to stand in line!
female psychiatrist: Do you want to talk about your relashionship problems?
Charlie: No.
female psychiatrist: Your father?
Charlie: Dead.
female psychiatrist: Your mother?
Charlie: She killed him.
female psychiatrist: Do you want to tell me about that?
Charlie: I just did!
Alan: In my entire life, my dog is the only person I've slept in the same bed with that didn't sue me for alimony!
Alan: Pretty flowers
Charlie: [sarcastically] Thanks
Alan: Wanna stick 'em somewhere?
Alan: Last summer Jake fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub!
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Charlie: The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.
Alan: Are you happy?
Charlie: I have my moments, but they're getting farther apart.
Alan: What's the matter with you?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker... We spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan: Show me the better.
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
Evelyn Harper: I'm not speaking to you.
Charlie: OK
Evelyn Harper: Do you want to know why?
Charlie: No, I trust your judgment.
Charlie: Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.
Charlie: Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me, any more.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.
Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh.
Alan: This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.
Judith: How was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.
Alan: Jake, go to your room.
Jake: If you're going to talk about sex, why don't you go to your own room?
Alan: [turning to Jake] Now!
[looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date]
Alan: That her?
[blows his nose]
Alan: I'm cured!
Charlie: I remember your high school friend Jamie Eckleberry. We used to call her Eckleberry Hound.
Alan: You used to call her that.
Charlie: I didn't name her that. I just spread it around. Hey, be sure to keep her off the rug.
Alan: Very funny. You know she's very successful in her field.
Charlie: Oh, how nice. She has a field to run around in!
Alan: This is getting old.
Charlie: In people or dog years? Look, I'll be nice. I'll say hello... then scratch behind her ears.
Alan: Are you done yet?
Charlie: I hope she looks fetching. OK, now I'm done.
[There's a knock at the door. Jamie enters, wearing a curve hugging dress and showing off lots of cleavage]
Charlie: [with his mouth hanging open] Woof!
Charlie: Bought some hamburgers, Bought the hats; ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.
Alan: Hold on Mom,
[puts a hand over the phone]
Alan: Charlie, Mom says if she is ever comatose, she wants you to decided to pull the plug or not.
Charlie: [doesn't even think about it] Pull.
Alan: Mom, Charlie on board.
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.
Alan: Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.
Alan: She just throw me out after ten years!
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Frankie: You're gonna get laid tonight.
Alan: [starts tearing up] I think I might cry again.
Jake: I understand.
Charlie: Do you?
Jake: No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.
Charlie: I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.
[Charlie has run into some financial trouble]
Charlie: I can't do this anymore. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.
Charlie: A clueless woman is a happy woman.
Charlie: Drugs! Get me drugs!
Alan: No. Medication will only mask the pain.
Charlie: Fine, mask it! Give it a cape and let it fight crime, I don't give a damn!
[after Alan forgot to pick him up at school]
Jake: How many kids you got?
Alan: [to Charlie] Does your penis have an off switch?
Charlie: [after Jake spends a night at Evelyn's house] Do you realize that he
[Jake]
Charlie: did in one night, what we could never do in our lifetime.
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: He chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan: It was a beautiful thing.
Sherri: [standing in the bedroom, wearing a negligee] You're unbelievable, Alan.
Alan: Now, that could be taken a number of ways...
Sherri: Get out!
Alan: No ambiguity there.
Charlie: [making a deal with Alan while standing at a urinal] Want to shake on it?
Charlie: [their mother just came to visit] So... to what do we owe the...
Evelyn Harper: Pleasure?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
Evelyn Harper: Well, I just felt like coming by to see some people who I love very much.
Alan: And they weren't home?
Evelyn Harper: [Evelyn left her bra in Charlie's car] Now go get Mommy's bra.
[Charlie stands and pulls the bra out of his pocket. Pause]
Evelyn Harper: Oh, darling, that's just sick.
[Evelyn takes the bra. Starts to walk away, then turns back to Charlie]
Evelyn Harper: Seek help.
Evelyn Harper: [Evelyn's in the hospital. Charlie keeps pulling out a plug and re-inserting it] Charlie, what are you doing?
Charlie: Practicing.
Judith: Now was that so hard?
Alan: No, actually, it was surprisingly easy.
[shuts door]
Alan: All I had to do was bend over and unclench.
Evelyn Harper: I need to find something black.
[for the funeral]
Charlie: I think your heart counts.
Charlie: [Alan is supposed to have a colonoscopy, and is very worried about it] Count your blessings; in the old days, they had to send a sketch-artist up there.
Isabella: [chanting] Annoint him, annoint him, annoint him.
Charlie: [singing] I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me, girl, you just don't realize what you do to me.
Rose: When your psyche is iffy, you can't get a stiffy.
Charlie: Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either.
Charlie: People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.
Judith: I think he needs to see someone.
Alan: What, you mean like a shrink?
Judith: No, I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce - he's not processing his emotions in a healthy way and I think therapy could help unblock him.
Alan: Where did you get that?
Judith: From my therapist.
Alan: [sarcastically] Who's working wonders for you.
Judith: Excuse me!
Alan: [sincerely] Who's working wonders for you.
Alan: He's just a normal 11-year-old boy who happens to be grumpy.
Judith: And I'm just a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience, and by patience I mean Prozac.
Alan: Wait a minute, you can't still be 35.
Jake: Hey uncle Charlie, what's green, has four legs and if it falls out of a tree onto you it will hurt
Charlie: I don't know what.
Jake: A pool table ha ha ha ha that's funny because you wouldn't think of that.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Do you like puppets?
Jake: Not really.
Dr. Linda Freeman: [taking out the cow-puppet and changing her voice] Neither do I!
Charlie: [while shopping for perfume for the mother] We're looking for perfume for our mother's birthday.
Female worker in department store: Do you know what her favourite scent is?
Charlie: Yes, do you have Chanel #666?
Alan: You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?
Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart.
Alan: That's typical, nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie: Alright, you can chop off her head and put it onto a stake for the villagers.
Alan: Thank you!
[repeated line]
Alan: Nevertheless...
Alan: There's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you Charlie
Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to stand in line!
female psychiatrist: Do you want to talk about your relashionship problems?
Charlie: No.
female psychiatrist: Your father?
Charlie: Dead.
female psychiatrist: Your mother?
Charlie: She killed him.
female psychiatrist: Do you want to tell me about that?
Charlie: I just did!
Alan: In my entire life, my dog is the only person I've slept in the same bed with that didn't sue me for alimony!
Alan: Pretty flowers
Charlie: [sarcastically] Thanks
Alan: Wanna stick 'em somewhere?
Alan: Last summer Jake fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub!
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