Memorable quotes for
"The Simpsons" (1989) More at IMDbPro »

Groundskeeper Willie: Ach Wendel. Tis a mighty puddle of puke.
Wendell: I'm sorry.
Groundskeeper Willie: That's all right lad. You reminded me of why I got into this work in the first place.

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Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

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Principal Skinner: [over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
[Lisa raises her hand]
Principal Skinner: Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.

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Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.

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Bart: [after they watch a foreign film] I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us.
[holds pony tail to his head]
Bart: Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year.
Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.

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Grampa: [banging a slipper against a pot in a state of senility]
[shouts]
Grampa: The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!

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Homer: D'oh!

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Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?

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Marge: [the Simpsons are touring Toronto, Canada] So, I see you drive on the left up here.
Tour Guide: No, ma'am. I'm drunk.

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Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: All right, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge.

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Grampa: We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!

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Grampa: [to Homer] Make me proud... or at least less ashamed.

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Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.

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Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.

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Krusty the Clown: This I don't need.

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Mr. Burns: I can't be responsible for what my goons are ordered to do.

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Marge: [Marge has entered a demolition derby] Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved!

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[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one.
Homer: Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Marge: Homer!
[scratches rear with fork]
Marge: Ooh...

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Robot 1: Hey, these cards are mine.
[table falls]
Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
Marge: What is it with you and robots?

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Homer: I don't need your pity or your money.
[pockets money]
Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

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[TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men]
Homer: Well, I am bald and important!

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Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.

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Apu: [two bullies walk out with store merchadise] Thank you steal again.

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Apu: Yeah I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray.

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Cletus: He really speaks to me, the average Joe six-tooth.
Cletus's Wife: When did you get another tooth?
Cletus: The sidewalk.

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Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

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Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.

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Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

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Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate.

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Kang: Holy fleurking schnit!

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[Bart's looking for his dog]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im.
[Bart gasps]
Willy: I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'. So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.
[Bart stares]
Willy: Ya heard me.

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[Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show]
Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.

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Rainer Wolfcastle: [singing] Mein bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z / Mein bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N.

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Rupert Murdoch: What the bloody hell?

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Homer: Me hungry.

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[the Simpsons are on a wagon train in the Old West]
Homer: [singing] Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the...
[gun goes off, killing a buffalo]
Lisa: Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!
Homer: A poor, *delicious* buffalo. He'll be enough food for the whole wagon train.
[shoots another buffalo]
Lisa: Why did you shoot that one?
Homer: Dessert.

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Homer Simpson: Huh? What's wrong? House ran away? Dog on fire?

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Kent Brockman: The phony pope can be identified by his high top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

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Homer: [while watching a meteor shower] I wish God were alive to see this.

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Homer: [Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them] Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

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[Ned has the ability to foresee one's death]
Ned Flanders: Homer, you will die eating a submarine sandwich.
Homer: What kind of bread is it?
Ned Flanders: Country parmesan.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

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Moe: Yeah, you said it, Barn.

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Moe: Homer's right! We're gettin' the Joan Collins special!

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Kent Brockman: [talking about the people of "New Springfield" when a new area code divides the town] They use low-class expressions like "Oh, yeah!" and "Come here a minute."
Homer Simpson: [watching the TV with Bart] Oh, yeah, they think we're low class. Hey, Bart, come here a minute.
Bart: You come here a minute.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah...

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Moe: Enough chit-chat, let's see how you like flaming trash!

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Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.

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Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

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Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.

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Dr. Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is.

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Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.

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Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie.

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Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

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Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa: I'll play catch with you.
Homer: Go home.

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Marge: Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately...
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we cant watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.

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Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

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Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

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Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

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Moe: [after beating up a Homer dummy] Who's the sociopath, now?

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Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

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[a rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

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[while watching a faculty talent show]
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

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[Ralph is lying in bed]
Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.

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Homer: Password.
Bart: We just want to get a snack from the fridge.
Homer: Access denied!
Bart, Lisa: But Da...
[Homer uses a sleeper hold on Bart and Lisa knocking them out]
Marge: Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children!
Homer: They be OK in half an hour.
Marge: And another thing, I asked you to take out the garbage three days agos and it's still... ngghhh.
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on Marge]
Homer: [Homer looks at his watch] Hmm, dinner is not for another half hour. Gahhh!
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on himself and bangs his head on the dinner table while falling to the floor]

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Milhouse: [singing] When a man loves a woman...
Lenny: Which one are you? The man or the woman?
Carl: Nice one, dude.

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[Bart wants to learn about sex]
Homer: I think he should learn about it the way I did.
[Flashback of Homer as a child, he is at a zoo watching monkeys]
Homer: Zookeeper!
[points to monkeys]
Homer: Those two monkeys are killing each other!
Zookeeper: [whispers in Homer's ear] They're having sex.
Homer: Oh...

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Homer: Wow. Sprawl-Mart has everything, even videos of talking Christian vegetables.
Vegetable Moses: [zooms in on TV] We will not build your food pyramid. Let my pickles go!

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Bart: Ay, carumba!

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Homer Simpson: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?

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[in a comic book store]
Milhouse: I need a mask to hide my face. What have you got for five dollars?
Comic Book Guy: For a paltry five dollars all I can offer you is a mask from the discount bin. You have your choice of Richard Nixon or Bart Simpson.
Milhouse: Why do you have masks of Bart?
Comic Book Guy: One came free with every box of Bart Simpson action figures.
Milhouse: Why does Bart have his own action figures?
Comic Book Guy: They were a marketing tie-in with the comic book.
Milhouse: Why does Bart have a comic book?
Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying then the last three "Highlander" movies.

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Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

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[Comic Book visits a dating service and grabs all the one-nighter presentation videotapes]
Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.

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Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
Homer: Hmmm is it any good?
Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.

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Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?

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[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
Homer: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.

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Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

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Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer: Three minutes.
[whistles]
Marge: I never realized history was so filthy.

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Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

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Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

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[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder]
Marge: Is that my butter?
Homer: Can't talk - taking another delicious memo.
[Licks tip of pencil as if about to write]
Homer: Mmmmm... memo.

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Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

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Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

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[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.

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[Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.

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Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

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Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

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Mr. Burns: Next.

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Mr. Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.

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Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.
Car System: Car gone Car gone!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to?
Car System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

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Homer: Must kill Moe Wee! Must Kill Moe Wee!

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Apu: Here at the Kwik-E-Mart we believe in America. Please do not beat me up anymore.

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[Kang and Kodos are cooking the Simpsons]
Bart: Am I the only one in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it.

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Professor Frink: Let the commencing beginulate!

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Homer: *Finally*... Science has joined forces with Revenge.

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TV Announcer: [At the end of a commercial for a combination hair restorer/penis enlarger] Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.

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Lisa: It seems every week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure.
Bart: Aye carumba.
Lisa: That's the spirit.

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Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me over in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited until we were in the air to ask me.

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[in the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing.
Marge: Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.

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Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

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Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.
Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?

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Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

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Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.

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Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.

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Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

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[observing the farm's green glow after Homer put toxic chemicals on it]
Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?
Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Marge: Where'd you get that from?
Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".

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Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won.
[Lisa sighs]
Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly]

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Homer: Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.

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Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.

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Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

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[Writing a food review]
Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff.
Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?

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[Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car]
Gay Robots: One of us. One of us. One of us.

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Homer: Please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

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Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.

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Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.

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Bart: Man, I'm so bored.
Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy.

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Homer: If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.

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Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror.

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Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman. Why I never.

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Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

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Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.

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Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.

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PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most long-running series - and we're showing all of them, all 7 episodes.

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Lisa: Mom. Dad's on PBS.
Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they?

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Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.

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[Marge is working at a real estate firm]
Lionel Hutz: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach.
Marge: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person.
Lionel Hutz: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.

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Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.
Smithers: Oh. Of course.

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Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.

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Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.

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[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.

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Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?

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Lisa: Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away?
Homer: Honey, what's your favorite movie?
Lisa: Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".
Homer: That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, mismatched roommate- Bart.
Bart: I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Lisa: Ohh...
[Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]

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Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.

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Mayor Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

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[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
Homer: They're milking rats. Rats.
Mayor Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats? You promised me dog or higher.

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[about to watch dinner theater]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.

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Homer: Once you go to the Vatican, you can't go back again!

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[Homer is missing work, and puts a manatee in charge]
Smithers: I believe that's a manatee posing as Homer Simpson, sir.

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Homer: I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap like that.

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Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

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Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it?

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Marge: You love Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee.

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Lucy Lawless: I'll take you home.
[Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa]
Lisa: Hey, Xena can't fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.

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Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget - we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.

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[after the angel hoax is exposed]
Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.

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[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

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Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

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Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

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Marge: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?

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Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number.
Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good.

---

Ned Flanders: Homer, I think you hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders.

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Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.

---

[Showing Simpsons "outtakes."]
Troy McClure: If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold.

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Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders: No foot-longs.
Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable.

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[Moe is describing a plan to Homer]
Moe: Okay Homer, this olive is you...
Homer: Mmm... me...

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Homer: Marge, can I go out and play?

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Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

---

Homer: [to Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all.

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Homer: [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.

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Lisa: Where's that music coming from?
Marge: And all the liquor?
Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.

---

[Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy]
Bart: Why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa: It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition.
Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa: Yeah.

---

[while trying to get a convict's parole granted]
Jack: I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Hmmm... Well a lot of people shoot Apu.

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Ralph: Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.

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Krustyburger manager: We need more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.

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Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?

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Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things.

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Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero.
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?

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[playing a religious board game]
Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.

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Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

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State Comptroller Atkins: This grant ensures a light bulb in every classroom, and a high-definition TV for the teachers lounge.

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Bill Clinton: I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. Real, no-foolin' pigs.

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Judge Snyder: The clown is down.

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Mr. George Willson: Simpson, you?re a menace!
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Leave him alone George.
Mr. George Willson: Martha, I want a divorce.
Mrs. Martha Wilson: Oh thank you, you've made me so happy.

---

Waylon Smithers: [with a very attractive woman] Sir, you knew I was on a date.
Bart: Mr. Smithers? But I thought you were... you know...
Waylon Smithers: Oh no, I'm straight. As long as I keep taking these shots!
[injects shot into arm]
Waylon Smithers: I love boobies!

---

Psychiatrist: Is there a lot of screaming at your house?
Bart: Well, my dad's always yelling about the white man keeping him down.

---

Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

---

Homer: What are you kids doing?
Lisa, Bart: Practicing tennis
Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?
Bart: Foxy Boxing?
Homer: [disappointedly] Yes. That's what I wanted. Oh.
[Homer cries]

---

Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.

---

[about the hurricane]
Homer: All right everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the cellar.

---

Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man.
Moe: Hey. I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but... uh... what was that last thing you said?

---

Dr. Foster: You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned one of our patients *is* a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

---

Homer: Lisa, I want you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with murderous rage.

---

Homer: Never fear. The cosmic fool is here.

---

Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could survive adversity.
Amy Tan: No, no, that's not what I meant at all. I can't believe how wrong you got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.

---

Mr. Burns: Mr. Simpson, you're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.

---

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, why are there children walking on my head?

---

Marge: Church should help you with your everyday life.
Homer: It should, but it doesn't. Now who wants to go down to the dump with me?

---

Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
[embarrassed pause]
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[starts eating a candy bar]

---

Sideshow Bob: Rakes, my arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart.

---

Comic Book Guy: Ack. There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now.

---

Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

---

[Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages]
Nelson: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart: One at first. But he'll train others.

---

Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going.

---

Homer: Biatch? Me?

---

[after Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response]
Homer: I liked it... right?
Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "D'oh!...?
Homer: D'oh!...

---

Marge: Everybody's afraid of something.
Homer: [smugly] Not everybody.
Marge: Sock puppets.
Homer: [shrieks in terror] Where? Where?

---

African tour guide: Night, night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs paralyze.

---

Bart: Eat my shorts.

---

Bart: Don't have a cow, man.

---

[Professor Frink has just re-animated his dead father using mechanical organs]
Professor Frink: All your organs have been replaced with machines, but that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except that you don't have a penis.

---

Bart: Hey wait a minute, man. You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells you to. You've spent your whole life following orders. From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself, man.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart.
Mrs. Krabappel: Let's go, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Edna.

---

Homer: When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger.

---

Marge: And our kids are getting lazy.
Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[falls asleep, falls off couch]

---

Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible.
Lisa: Pointless.
Marge: Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.

---

Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

---

Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?
Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
Mr. Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
Mr. Burns: This sounds like bad news.
Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
Mr. Burns: Well...
[looks at his watch]
Mr. Burns: [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
Doctor: Here's the door to your body, see?
[bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
Doctor: And these are oversized novelty germs.
[points to a different one up as he names each disease]
Doctor: That's influenza, that's bronchitis,
[holds up one]
Doctor: and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck]
Doctor: [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Move it, chowderhead.
[normal voice]
Doctor: We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome".
Mr. Burns: So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible.
Doctor: Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could...
Mr. Burns: Indestructible.

---

Homer: I see the light... it burns!

---

Bono: [after Homer invades U2's Pop-Mart concert] Wait, people. He's talking about waste management, that affects the whole damn planet!
The Edge: Awww, here he goes! Anyone fancy going to Moe's for a pint?
Adam Clayton: Can I come?
The Edge: [looks at Larry Mullen Jnr] No!
Adam Clayton: [whispers] Wankers!
[Edge and Larry turn around, and Adam pretends to be tuning his bass guitar]

---

Ned Flanders: That is one bitching ride.
Rod Flanders: Daddy said a bad word!
Ned Flanders: Oh, lighten up, Roddy.

---

Lisa: The student strike will continue until you restore music and art.
Principal Skinner: What about gym?
Lisa: [dismissive] Eh.

---

Ralph: Lisa's a sellout! Lisa's a sellout! Hey, Lisa. What's a sellout?

---

Homer: I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.

---

Mrs. Krabappel: As you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.

---

Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.

---

Homer: It's everybody's fault but mine.

---

Sideshow Bob: [hypnotizing Bart] You are in my power.
Bart: [in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better.

---

Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.

---

Homer: I know! If I sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.

---

Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

---

[after Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself]
Manjula: [Waking Apu up] Apu, it's 4:00 am, your late for work.
Apu: [Wakes Up] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college.
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to.

---

[Before performing his back treatment]
Homer: One, two, better not sue.

---

Homer: Lenny and Carl suck. Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because I don't want to lose their dear friendship.

---

Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had its own planet.

---

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

---

Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.

---

[Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton]
Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
Marge: That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.

---

Kent Brockman: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you?
Kang: It does not matter which way you vote. Either way your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed.
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshing bit of candor from Senator Bob Dole.

---

Professor Ludwig: Ms. Simpson, do you think there is something funny about the term tromboner?

---

[in the Michael Crichton & Stephen King Bookstore]
Hans Moleman: Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?
Storekeeper: Get out.

---

Snake: [busts open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan payments.

---

Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?

---

Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.

---

Homer: Ohhh, stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things, anyway?
[menacingly]
Homer: Was it you, Bart?

---

Homer: You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.

---

Grampa: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it.

---

Ned Flanders: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.
Maude Flanders: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned Flanders: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State.

---

Bart: Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide.

---

Krusty the Clown: You, sir, are an idiot.

---

Apu: [singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Bart, Lisa, Ralph: [singing] Don't fence me in.
Apu: [singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]

---

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live ?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.

---

Homer: "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?

---

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it's lost *all* meaning.

---

Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeance isn't too bad either

---

Moe: Who'd have thought a whale would be so heavy?

---

Ralph: Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! I'm learneding!

---

Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow.

---

[reading a sign, "Do Not Touch - Willy"]
Homer: Do not touch Willy. Good advice.

---

Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'

---

Troy McClure: Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and...
[Fades]
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?

---

Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fattest city in the U.S.
Homer: Woo Hoo. In your face Milwaukee.

---

Marge: Homer, we can't take his money.
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money. Why don't I just lay down and die.

---

Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lots of it.
Marge: Oh, that's your cure for everything.

---

Homer: I'm back...
Marge: Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"?
Homer: [sadly] No... they put me on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but told me not to hold my breath.

---

Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat.
Lou: She's good, chief.

---

[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]
Gay men: We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.
Lisa: We are used to it. You do this every year.
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.

---

Homer: But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids?
Smithers: That can be shipped.

---

Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

---

Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

---

Homer: Save me Jeebus.

---

Cartoonist: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?
[backpedaling]
Cartoonist: Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
[pause]
Cartoonist: I'm fired, aren't I?

---

Kent Brockman: The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.

---

Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?

---

Restaurant Owner: C'Mon. You gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.

---

Homer: [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him.

---

[the Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie]
Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: [reading pamphlet] It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.
[Bart and Lisa shudder]

---

Chief Wiggum: Slink away boys, slink away.

---

Mel Gibson: I'm too old for this.
Homer: How old are you, anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
Homer: Sorry I asked.

---

Bart: I wasn't going to gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.

---

Fidel Castro: Ahhh, the Americans aren't *so* bad, they named a street after me in San Francisco.
[Aide whispers in his ear]
Fidel Castro: It's full of *what*?

---

[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB.
[Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.

---

Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"
Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
Bronson: I shot him.
Barney: Well that's... what?
Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.
[cocks gun]
Bronson: To fix Emmett.
["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]

---

Chief Wiggum: At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer.
Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief.
Chief Wiggum: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?

---

[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on ducks. Burns is crying]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.

---

[repeated line]
Mr. Burns: Excellent.

---

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

---

Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh... Uh, better start with Greek town.
FBI Agent: That's Homer J. Simpson, chief. You're reading it upside down.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, oh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
FBI Agent: Uh, chief... you're talking into your wallet.
[credit cards unfold out of Wiggum's wallet]

---

[the Professor Fink theme song]
Professor Frink: Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.

---

[Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for]
Bart: Ohhhh, my ovaries.

---

Barney: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped.
[pauses]
Barney: Oh, there it goes.

---

Homer: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

---

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

---

[At the Kwik-E-Mart]
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?

---

Homer: Family meeting. Family meeting.
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
[all laugh]
Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge: You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer: Damn you, eBay.

---

[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]
Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room.

---

Warden: He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space.
Homer: There's an Air & Space Museum...

---

Groundskeeper Willie: All right Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.

---

[Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone]
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs.
Principal Seymour: Well Edna, it just might have some company.

---

[after days and days on a hunger strike, Homer hallucinates]
Homer: Hey, who are you?
Ghost: The ghost of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Ghost: Cause you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.

---

[Krusty does a Halloween show, reading off cue cards]
Krusty the Clown: Tonight I'm going to suck...
[waits for second cue card]
Krusty the Clown: ...your blood.

---

Homer: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.

---

[Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to Principal Skinner]
Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.

---

Lisa: Bart, this is priceless.
Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind?

---

Lenny: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence... of being a jerk."

---

Marge: Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
Homer: Ooh "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.

---

Moe: Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest.
Waiter: Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos.

---

[Homer is driving Mayor Quimby's limo]
Mayor Quimby: Just remember... you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting - quick. Honk at that broad.

---

Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
Ralph: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh
[falls to ground]
Ralph: ooohhh.
Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph: They taste like... burning.

---

Principal Skinner: Hello, Edna. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever.

---

[a rat steals the key]
Ralph: The pointy kitty took it.

---

[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
[calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!

---

Chief Wiggum: Ok all you have to do is record on this tape and get fat Tony to say something incriminating.
[Looks at tape]
Bart: Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, it was cheaper than a blank tape.

---

[Discussing Science versus Religion]
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things.

---

[Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade]
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work.
Bill Clinton: Make me.

---

[in Homer's dream]
Bart: He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him.

---

[responding to sign on Stoner's Pot Place]
Otto: That is flagrant false advertising.

---

[Kim Basinger is working out, Homer is coaching her]
Homer: And stretch. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. Jerk that lower back.
Kim Basinger: I'm getting some shooting pains in my neck...
Homer: That's right, force it. Whip that neck.
[Alec Baldwin enters the room]
Alec Baldwin: Does anybody know where this came from?
Homer: Oh, there's that script I wrote. Where did you find it?
Alec Baldwin: It was on my pillow.
Homer: The important thing is, it has the perfect part for you. For either of you. It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct.
Ron Howard: No I'm not.
Homer: Well, he expressed an interest.
Ron Howard: No I didn't.
Homer: Did too.

---

[Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon]
Milhouse: [reading] "Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Watch out, Itchy. He's Irish.

---

Mel Gibson: Come with me to Hollywood.
Homer: You had me at "hello".
Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello.

---

[after finishing building a church]
Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God.

---

[Marge accidentally got breast implants]
Marge: You can't call breast implants a minor misunderstanding.
Dr. Hibbert: Look, Mrs. Simpson, if you want, you can come back in 48 hours, and I'll remove them.
Marge: You better. If not, my husbands gonna come back here, and do some malpractice on your face.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, yes, your husband.
[sarcastically]
Dr. Hibbert: I'm sure he'll be furious.

---

Marge: Every truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
Bart: And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do
[guts some fishes]
Bart: knife goes in, guts come out, knife goes in, guts come out
[pulls out a talking fish]
Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three...
Bart: [guts the talking fish] Knife goes in, guts come out.

---

[the kids of Springfield are broadcasting adults' secrets, in order to embarrass them]
Lisa: And, by the way, there is somebody in Springfield who's been practicing medicine without a license.
[Dr. Hibbert gulps]
Lisa: That's right. Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

---

Ralph: Well, well, well. If it isn't that stupid cop from TV.
[picks his ear with his gun]

---

Lisa: Mom, what's happening?
Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but we're renting your room to a satellite network until your father can pay for the destruction of a priceless artifact. Boy, I never thought I'd have to say that again.

---

Homer: Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.

---

[Flanders has been transformed into a cow by Hibbert]
Ned Flanders: Oh, I'm not asking much, Homer. I just want you to squeeze my teats and harvest my milk.

---

[the Simpsons watch "Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors Unit"]
Elevator Inspector 1: Here's the problem, Inspector: the Floor 5 button doesn't light up.
Elevator Inspector 2: I think I'm gonna be sick.

---

[Homer is getting stitches in his eyes]
Homer: I hate getting stitches in my eye. Stupid crows.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.

---

[Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar]
Moe Szyslak: All right, get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar.
[Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar]
Moe Szyslak: See? They got their little stools and everything.

---

[Homer is taunting a shark]
Homer: Come on Sharky. Call yourself the king of the jungle?

---

[Groundskeeper Willy has been turned into an ape]
Dr. Hibbert: Willy, take these folks' luggage.
[to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Careful, he might try to gnaw on your crotch.
Homer: Don't worry, I've been around Scotsmen before.

---

Homer: [lying in a hammock, sings] You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up, you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away.
[the can hits Flanders on the head]
Ned Flanders: Homer.
Homer: [sings] You throw the can away.
[Another can hits Ned]
Ned Flanders: I said, Homer.

---

Judge Harm: [a women, to Bart] You remind me of myself... when I was a little boy.

---

Agnes Skinner: Seymour, tell these people we're going ahead of them.
Principal Skinner: I'm not the principal of the line, mother.
Agnes Skinner: And you never will be.

---

[Every inhabitant of Springfield has been turned into an animal]
Ralph: [feathers pop out of his back] I'm a dog.

---

Sideshow Bob: Homer, how can one man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person.

---

[Homer is dressed up as a Teletubby, with a TV and a wire hanger attached to him]
Homer: Hey, Maggie. I'm Homey-Womey, the Teletubby. And, I'm all man, in case you've heard otherwise.

---

Marge: I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that after a nice meal.
Homer: Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.

---

[the city of Springfield is having an illegal party in the ocean, about 300 yards from American territorial waters]
Bart: [on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us. Lousy Americans...
Coast Guard: [on megaphone] We can't hear you. Come 300 yards closer.

---

[Lenny and Carl are meditating]
Lenny: Who... likes... short shorts?
Carl: I... like... short shorts.

---

[Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased]
Bart: This is gonna be cool.
Lisa: And also educational. We can learn about science.
Homer: Science.
Bart: Uh... she didn't say 'science', she said... 'pie pants'
Homer: Mmmm... pie pants...

---

Homer: They expect me to wait here from 9 to 5? That's... how many hours?
[looks at watch; counts fingers]
Homer: 10, 11... denominator... Awww where's Lisa when ya need her?

---

Mr. Kidkill: Escort these gentlemen out.
Gay Dressing Room Bodyguard: Avec plaisir.

---

Homer: [runs into church] Sanctuary. Sanctuary.
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, why did I teach him that word?

---

Homer: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

---

Mr. Burns: Simpson. I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling. It says here that you caused 17 meltdowns.
Bart: I'm not Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: I know who Homer Simpson is. Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up.

---

[Homer donates 10000$ to PBS]
Marge: [to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time.
Lisa: Agreed.

---

Radio Announcer: So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay experience.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time.

---

[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
Homer: You have to do it Barney. You have to save my kids.
Barney: I can't. My nerves are shot.
[grabs six pack]
Barney: Beer.
Homer: [grabs beer] No. I won't let you do it. You have to be sober for this.
[chugs beer]
Barney: You can't drink them all.
Homer: Oh, yeah?
[wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]
Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in...
[slurred speech]
Homer: being the greatest pal in the world. I love you. I guess it started at graduation, when I-
[passes out]
Barney: Homer. You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.
Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife.

---

Homer: [reading a sign saying 'Gym'] A gime?
[mispronouncing gym]
Homer: what's a gime?
Homer: [upon entering gym] Ooooh! A *Gime*

---

Marge: [loveingly] Oh Monty! You're the devil himself
Mr. Burns: [shouting] Who told yo-
[realises]
Mr. Burns: oh, and I would say you are an angel, but angels don't dance that well

---

Homer: Take that, Lisa's beliefs!

---

[Marge made a disgusting breakfast]
Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this.
[out loud]
Lisa: Say, Dad,
[winks]
Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair?
[winks]
Homer: No, Lisa,
[winks]
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
[winks]

---

Milhouse: I can't go to juvie, they use guys like me as currency.

---

[on the phone]
Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.
Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie...?Extra cheese?" Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici?

---

Nelson: I feel like such a tool.

---

[Marge gets her first unemployment check]
Marge: Three hundred dollars for doing nothing. I feel like such a crook.
George Bush: Don't worry, it gets easier every week.

---

Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
[open his jacket to show off his shirt]
Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".
[laughs]
Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."

---

Bart: [In a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: [In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

---

[Homer is drunk]
Lisa: You saved us, dad. You did it.
Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money.
Lisa: Wha?...

---

Lisa: Poor little Maggie... How many mental competency hearings have you been to, in your short life?

---

Marge: Who cut my brakes?
Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your brake liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad.

---

Homer: Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is only a dollar away.

---

Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

---

Homer: Badger my ass, its probably just Milhouse.

---

Scratchy: Hey you're beautiful.
Marge: Aww. Look who's found a new love. That means you'll have to be neutered.
Scratchy: [grabbing himself] NOOOOOOO!

---

Homer: [to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!

---

Dr. Hibbert: [Mensa Club is giving a public speech] When are we going to get to my speech?
Comic Book Guy: Quit butting in please. Your IQ is a mere 155 while mine is a muscular 170.
[singing to the Star Trek theme]
Comic Book Guy: I am smart. Much smarter than you. Hibbert!
Professor Frink: You should all do what I do. My IQ is 199 for crying out glaving.
[Accidentally bumps his head]
Professor Frink: 198... 197.
Stephen Hawking: Big deal. My IQ is 280.

---

[Homer is sitting at the dinner table in all black with a balaclava on his head]
Marge: Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, YOU look a little nervous, Lisa.
Bart: You're up to something, aren't you, Dad?
Homer: NO. I'm just going out now to commit certain deeds.

---

Krusty the Clown: And this ends Krusty's non-denominational holiday fun fest. So have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, a Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip Top Tet, and a solemn, eventful Ramadan. Now, over to my god, our sponsors.

---

Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hanta virus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box...
[gets interrupted by a newscast]

---

Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.

---

Kent Brockman: The alien has appeared in the Springfield Forest for the last two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 News Team will be there, except for Bill, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow.
[boom mike hits Kent]
Kent Brockman: Very unprofessional, Bill.

---

Kent Brockman: Springfield has been overrun by a strange and almost certainly evil sect, calling themselves The Movementarians. In exchange for your home and all your belongings, the Leader of this way out... and wrong religion, the Leader claims he'll take believeres to the planet, Blisstonia. Excuse my editorial laugh.
[laughs]
Kent Brockman: But...
[pauses]
Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I just learned of a new change in management. Welcome, Movementarians. I love you, perfect Leader... and new CEO of KBBL Broadcasting.

---

Ralph: [knocks on door] Hi. Can Lisa come out with her hands up?
[waves to cops hiding in bushes]

---

Private detective: Where's principal Skinner's office?
Groundskeeper Willie: Wait a minute. You can't just walk in there.
Private detective: You know, you're the spitting image of the Aberdeen strangler.
Groundskeeper Willie: Carry on.
[leaves, whistling]

---

Moe: Go home, science girl.
Lisa: I am home.
Moe: Good, then stay there.

---

Bart: [reading] Whoa, Dad's been arrested six times. Aww, Mom's only been arrested twice.

---

[Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are sitting in Homer's garage, drinking]
Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep. Another beer.
Marge: Wasn't this supposed to be your tavern?
Homer: It's a family place. Right, kids?
Lisa: Can we go to bed now?

---

Groundskeeper Willie: If it was up to me, I'd let you go; but the Gods have a temper, and they've been drinking all day.

---

[Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge]
Bart: Say, I got an idea. Why don't you stay with us?
Marge: Bart, remember that talk we had about inviting people to stay with us without asking?
Homer: Marge, remember that talk we had about ruining peoples' weddings?

---

Marge: A woman doctor? Well, now I've seen everything.

---

Marge: Well, I guess it was a pretty funny practical joke. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.

---

Barney: So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.

---

Barney: What do you mean I forgot my birthday? How could I forget-
[chugs a beer glass]
Barney: - my own birthday?

---

Homer: Careful. These pants cost me 600$.
Moe: 600$?
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe: [pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over.
Homer: Moe?
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.

---

Social Worker: So, this is your room?
Lisa: Yes. My room is my sanctuary. My family members know that and respect that.
Bart: [runs in] Lisa, I got sprayed by a skunk. Let me rub it off on your sweaters.
Lisa: [takes out stress ball and starts squeezing it] Just ten more years, just ten more years, just ten more years...

---

Homer: I'm gonna come back with the best gift a husband can get a wife- an annulment from my second wife.

---

Abe Simpson: [to Homer] You know, I have a son about your age.

---

[Ginger wakes up next to Abe]
Ginger: Wha?
Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey.
Ginger: Who are you?
Abe Simpson: I'm your husband. We got married yesterday.
Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?
Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.

---

Marge: If I had known that there were loose women in Las Vegas, I would've never let you go.

---

Barney: [to Adam West] So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

---

Homer: Yep, nobody's more wild and youthful than old man Burns.

---

Snake: I'm gonna win you back, even if it means I got to pistol whip this dude
[Homer]
Snake: all night.
Homer: [scared] Pistol whip?
[imagines himself eating whipped cream from a pistol]
Homer: Hmm, pistol whip...

---

[Homer is strangling Bart because he made a popular cartoon based on him]
Bart: [chokes] There's going to be a movie about you.
Homer: [stops choking Bart] Who's going to play me?
Bart: John Goodman.
Homer: [continues choking Bart] Isn't it obvious it should be Gary Oldman?

---

Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?
Rev. Lovejoy: Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this
[lifts Bible]
Rev. Lovejoy: 2000 page sleeping pill.

---

Homer: [in jail; looks out window and sees Moe singing about going to Hawaii] Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe, who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?
Chief Wiggum: [bangs on Homer's jail cell] Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.

---

[At an auction]
Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders.
[picks up sheet]
Homer: Ned Flanders bids 50$.
[evil laugh]
Auctioneer: And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders.
Homer: D'oh!
Ned Flanders: This is going straight to the orphanage.
Homer: D'OH!

---

Rainer Wolfcastle: [to piece of pie] You remember when I said I'll eat you last? I lied.

---

Rainer Wolfcastle: Remember when I said I'd eat you last? I lied.

---

Krusty the Clown: Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty the Clown: A Russian hooker, you tell me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
Krusty the Clown: I did find out one fact. She was a guy.

---

Bart: This is Milhouse. He's my best friend, because... Well, geographical convenience.

---

[Lisa just wakes up after passing out]
Homer: Lisa? Lisa? Are you ok?
Lisa: Ok? I'm great. I'm ready for the gymnastics class, now. Ich bin ein gymnast.
Homer: Awww, she must've dreamt about Hitler, again.

---

[In a Chinese Krusty factory]
Krusty the Clown: Laziness is counter-revolutionary.

---

[In order to go to College, Lisa convinced two College girls that her house is an off-campus dorm]
College Girl #1: Hey, Lisa. Where've you been?
Lisa: In heaven.
College Girl #2: I love her. She's such a free spirit.
College Girl #1: She has to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson Family vibe...

---

Ralph: Why do people keep running away from me?
[wets himself and smiles]

---

Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.

---

Marge: You know, you have to stop drinking?
Cowboy: What do you care?
Marge: I don't know. I just naturally I assumed that it was any of my business.

---

Lead Pirate: And now, back to secret pirate island- Hong Kong.

---

Brazillian Kidnapper: [opens suitcase full of money] Ahh, look at all that pink and purple. Our money sure is gay.

---

[Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary]
Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.

---

Homer: Hello, Son. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again.

---

Lisa: I'm trying to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone.
Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines.
Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility?
Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time.

---

[At Moe's]
Lenny: It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out.
Carl: Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night.

---

Bart: Why would Duff publish a book.
Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.
Homer: Whoo-hoo. She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's.
[runs away and drives off]
Marge: I never agreed to that rule.

---

Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is...
[takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]
Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?
Moe: Oh crap.

---

[Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter]
Marge: [reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer: [crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: [resigned] Okay, it's in his brain.
[leaves]

---

[Homer holds up Lisa to attract a bull]
Homer: Here, Toro. Here's something to gore.
Lisa: DAAAAAAAAAD.
Homer: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.

---

[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.

---

Ralph: [after being sprayed by fake blood] I look like cable T.V...

---

Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

---

Manjula: Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace.
Homer: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb.
Apu: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth. Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.
Homer: [gives him light bulb] Here you go.
[whispers]
Homer: Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

---

Professor Frink: Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyven," or the "maven," or was it the whole guh-HOYVEE... thing... that I do?

---

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey, Tony. Still with the mafia?
Fat Tony: Uh, yes, thank you for asking. You might remember, a while ago you were done a favor by our... how shall I put this... mafia crime syndicate.
Homer: Oh yeah, that's right?
Fat Tony: Well, I have come to inform you that now it's your turn to do US a favor.
Homer: Wait - you mean the only reason the Mob did me a favor was because they wanted something back in return? Fat Tony. I say good day to you, sir.
Fat Tony: [Ashamed] Okay... I'll go now.
[He leaves the building]
Fat Tony: Hey... wait a minute.

---

Homer: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name.
Marge: To what?
Homer: Chesty La Rue.
Marge: CHESTY LARUE?
Homer: Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire.
Marge: I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire.
Homer: Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.
Marge: Goodnight, Homer.
Homer: Goodnight, Hooty.
Marge: Give me those.

---

Homer: I'm sorry. I can't come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.

---

Quimby's Assisstant: Election in November. Election in November.
Mayor Quimby: AGAIN? This stupid country.

---

Homer: Ahh. A hungry hungry hippo.

---

[Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm]
Arnie Pie: Mayday, mayday. We're going down. Tell my wife I love...
Kent Brockman: [Chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie.

---

[the Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it]
Homer: [in baby talk] Maggie. That's where you were, honey. You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.

---

Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.

---

Stan Lee: Say, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter?
Comic Book Guy: The term is "courting," thank you. The restraining order says "no-no," but her eyes say "yes-yes."

---

Dr. Hibbert: You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.

---

Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Smithers: Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

---

Homer: Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...
[wistfully]
Lisa: I make a lot of graphs...

---

[the oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]
Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.

---

Marge: I can't even think of how many times your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: WAIT A MINUTE.
[pulls out a timekeeper]
Lisa: Yup, 300 times.

---

Otto: They call 'em "fingers," but I never see 'em fing. Oh wait, there they go.

---

Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.

---

L.T Smash: [watching Bart's Band] Those guys are gonna be huge.
[to Skinner]
L.T Smash: And you tried to get in their way.
Principal Skinner: No I didn't. I even got in early to prepare orange drink.
L.T Smash: Orange drink? What, do you live with your mother?
Principal Skinner: *She* lives with *me*.

---

[in front a "Best Teacher's Award" committee]
Bart: [in a video] This year, I'd like to nominate my teacher- Ms. Krabappel. Shy may not be glamorous or entertaining. She's just a normal teacher who's always there. And, she's never given up on me- Bart Simpson.
[all committee members gasp in horror]
Committee member #1: Bart Simpson? I thought he was an urban legend.

---

Homer: We're going to Disney World.
[Homer is seen in front of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World, while sirens sound and searchlights search for Homer]
"Mickey Mouse": [over loudspeaker] Step away from the wall, step away from the wall.
Homer: It's so beautiful.
[Homer disappears over fence]
Homer: One churro, please.
Cast Member: That'll be fourteen dollars.
Homer: [crying] No. No, no, nooooo. Here.

---

Bart: Stomp that pickle revert.
Otto: Sick lingos, boys.
Bart: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Otto: Ah, ah, talk to the snowboard.
Bart: Uh, I've gotta blast a douche?
Otto: Douche on.

---

[Phone rings]
Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network.
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.

---

Homer: Dancing away my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way...
Moe: Jeez, Homer's losing it already.
Carl: Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.

---

Gabriel: Homer, you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the earth... no offense, children.

---

[Homer thinks Gabriel is an angel]
Homer: Gabriel, this is a bar where they serve beer, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.
Gabriel: Homer, I'm not an angel.
Homer: Well, not with that attitude.

---

Lou: Looks like another case of Monopoly related violence, chief.
Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?

---

Ned Flanders: Sir... There's no reason Sarah needs to do this scene in the altogether.
Sara Sloane: Sam, he's got a point. Katherine Hepburn never showed her breasts.
Movie Director: There's still time.

---

[Bart is preparing a batch of appetizers for Skinner's party]
Lisa: What's with the dog food?
Bart: My theory is - Skinner likes dog food.
[both leave, Homer walks in the room]
Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls.

---

Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson, where's the fire?
[Homer points to the police station, which is on fire]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson. You just bought yourself a 417, pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 413? No, a 413 is a dog, and... um... you're in trouble, pal.

---

[Cheif Wiggum releases some attack dogs to look for Milhouse]
Kirk Van Houten: Will they just find him... or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: They'll find him, and, um... um...
Kirk Van Houten: Um, excuse me, you didn't answer my question. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I did, didn't I?

---

[a realtor is showing Bret Hart around Mr. Burns' mansion]
Bret "The Hitman" Hart: Eww. This place has got old man stink.
Mr. Burns: Ooh.
Waylon Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

---

Homer: [after observing Barney's movie] Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.
Vendor: Beer here.
Homer: I'll take ten.

---

Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.
Bart: Hey, Homer, what's that B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

---

Marge: You should probably see a doctor about this...
Homer: OK.
Marge: [realizing] A competent doctor.
Homer: D'oh!

---

Homer: Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg.
Barney: Yeah... where do I fill it up?

---

[Buck's house is garnished with steakhouse paraphernalia]
Bart: Wow. It's like you're living in a steakhouse.
Buck McCoy: Why, thank you. Most people just mutter that.

---

Bart: Lis, can you keep it down? I'm in the middle of a crank call here.
Principal Skinner: [on phone] Actually, my refrigerator *wasn't* running. You've saved me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man.

---

Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you. If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.

---

Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week.

---

Homer: See, the great thing about animation is that you don't have to pay the actors squat.
Ned Flanders: [speaking in a different voice] But they can change them and no one would know the diddly-ifference.

---

Homer: [singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink. I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.

---

Homer: And I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.

---

Secret Service Agent: I can do everything from reading bedtime stories to changing diapers.
Grampa: Put me down for one of each.

---

Ned Flanders: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise -
[shows Homer a card]
Ned Flanders: season pass. It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here...
Homer's Brain: You can stay, but I'm leaving.
[Homer's brain floats away]
Ned Flanders: ...can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.
[Homer collapses]

---

Marge: Careful of that apple pie on the back seat...
Grampa: Uh-oh.
Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
Grampa: I sure hope so.

---

[Mr. Burns looks through a portfolio of his old stocks]
Mr. Burns: Hmm, let's see...?Confederated Slave holdings." How's that one holding up?
Lawyer: It's, uh, steady.

---

Ron Howard: Is that... vodka... and wheat grass?
Homer: It's called a "lawnmower". I invented it. Want one?

---

Krusty the Clown: [while recording talking doll voices] One. Hey hey, kids, I'm talking Krusty. Two. Hey hey, kids. Here comes Slideshow Mel, I mean, Sideshow Mel. Four.
[laughs]
Krusty the Clown: Bada bing, bada boom. I'm done. Learn from the professionals, kid.
[leaves]
Technician: Uh... we're ready to roll, Krusty. Krusty?

---

Marge: Well if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.

---

[At the St. Patrick's Day Parade]
Kent Brockman: All this drinking, violence, destruction of property... are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?

---

Nelson: Hey, I'm on TV. Fart.

---

Chief Wiggum: Your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Homer: Fine. You don't have to humiliate me.
[leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch]
Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
Chief Wiggum: Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter.

---

Homer: And to think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.
Marge: Mmmmm...
Homer: And you, Marge, the bringer of beer.

---

Marge: And punish Lisa for lying to us.
Homer: All right, young lady. March yourself right down to the Quik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer.

---

Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

---

[Homer places Bart in front of a sexy billboard]
Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?
Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.
Homer: That's good. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand?
Bart: Anything slim.
Homer: D'oh!

---

Krusty the Clown: Here's a feature never before seen on TV - dumb pet tricks. Catch the rubber ball, Fifi.
[the dog goes for Krusty's nose]
Krusty the Clown: AH. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT.

---

[forming a vigilante group]
Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.

---

Homer: You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you chose to live your life is OK.
Bart: Huh?
Lisa: He thinks you're gay.
Bart: He thinks I'm gay?

---

[Homer reads label on medicinal pot]
Homer: Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are.

---

Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.

---

Bart: As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?
Homer: NEVER.

---

Kent Brockman: "What are you lookin' at?" - the innocent words of a drunken child.

---

Lisa: This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe, isn't it?
Homer: It's not about spite, it's about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe.

---

Smithers: What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?

---

Marge: Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters.
Homer: Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

---

Marge: The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it.

---

[Moe is on a soap opera]
Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.

---

[Homer throws pudding at Lenny's face]
Lenny: Ow, my eye. I'm not supposed to get pudding in it.

---

Smithers: Actually, thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3 in taxes a year.
Mr. Burns: $3? We're getting screwed.

---

Homer: Oh well. At least we'll die doing what we love: inhaling molten rock.

---

[after Springfield floods, Ned rides out of his garage on a boat filled with animals]
Ned Flanders: I've got two of every animal, but only males. Don't want any hanky panky.
[Some of the animals start making noise off-screen]
Ned Flanders: Now cut that out.

---

Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.
[cut to Moe's]
Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.
Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN.

---

Bodyguard: Who's going to protect you?
Mayor Quimby: [points to Homer] HIM.
Homer: WOOHOO!
Marge: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just...
Homer: I said "WOO. HOO."

---

[Homer is drunk]
Homer: Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs, well, they SUCK.

---

Lisa: [running past Moe's] It's noon. That's usually when dad gets the brew shakes.

---

[Moe turns his bar into a comedy club]
Marge: Four drink minimum?
Homer: I'll cover you, honey.

---

Homer: [reading] "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer."
[crumbles up paper]
Homer: Bastard. He's always one step ahead.

---

Homer: English side ruined, must use French side... LE GRILLE? what the hell is that?

---

Frank Grimes: Can you believe that guy? He fell asleep inside a radiation suit.
Lenny: He had three beers at lunch. That would make anyone sleepy.

---

Homer: Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day. You know what that means?
Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up.
Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing?
Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire.

---

[Homer's reading a book about corporate success]
Homer: Tip #1- "Live every day as if it was your last". Done and done.
[cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying]
Homer: I don't want to die. I'm so young.

---

Homer: [singing] I'm shavin' my shoulders.

---

[an African American man dressed like a Gangsta rapper stops Bart in the hallway]
Man: Hey, this class is aces. You go from 'slopper' to 'proper' like.
Bart: Cool.
[Rushes into the room where an old lady is teaching an etiquette class]
Old Lady: The proper gentlemen...
Bart: Etiquette class? But the guy outside said...
Old Lady: Are you accusing my husband of *misleading* you? Good gracious. I should bust a cap in your ass.

---

Ned Flanders: They were bigger than Jesus.

---

Principal Skinner: [over intercom] Attention. All honor roll students will be rewarded by a trip to an archaeological dig. Also, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

---

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy.
[cries]
Homer: Was he better than me?

---

Dr. Nick: 'Inflammable' means flammable? What a country.

---

[Homer is in a car with hippies Seth and Munchie. Marge is walking down the street]
Homer: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.
Marge: Oh, Lord...
Homer: What's in your brand new bag, momma?
Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?
Homer: [panicking] Marge, not in front of the hippies.
[Seth and Munchie laugh]

---

Chief Wiggum: [speaking on megaphone] Attention hippies. Come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions.

---

[Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for]
Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?
Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer: No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.

---

[Homer dies after eating a piece of broccoli]
Homer: Saint Peter. Woo hoo. Got to heaven before you, Flanders.
[wiggles his butt at Earth below]
Homer: Ha-ha-haha-ha.

---

Agnes Skinner: 'Nuff talk, it's smashin' time.

---

Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

---

Lisa: Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity'?
Homer: Yes. Crisitunity.

---

[Homer has joined a crew of "lost souls"]
Woman: We wander the seven seas trying to forget.
Homer: Forget what?
Englishman: Oh, boy, here we go.
Woman: My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story.
Englishman: My story's better, it has tigers.

---

Ed Begley, Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

---

Marge: Ooh. I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.
Homer: Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight.
[a camera crew films Jim Belushi walking down the aisle]
Belushi: Toga. Toga. Toga 2000.
Homer: Marge. They stole my idea.

---

Woman: We're having a free get acquainted session at our resort this weekend.
Homer: How much is this free resort weekend?
Man: It's free.
Homer: And when *is* this weekend?
Man: It's this weekend.
Homer: Uh-huh, and how much does it cost?
Man: Um, it's free.
Homer: I see, and when is it?
Man: It's this weekend.
Homer: And what are you *charging* for this free weekend?

---

Homer: Ooh, it's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet.

---

Moe: I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.

---

Moe: It's like my dad always said: eventually, everybody gets shot.

---

[Homer has just performed the good deed he needs to get into heaven]
Homer: There, did you see that?
Saint Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.
Homer: I thought you guys were always watching.
Saint Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

---

Bart: Hey, dad. Heard you were swearing. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap!

---

Manjula: Oh, little Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow.
[does baby-talk]
Marge: Maggie loves baby talk.
Manjula: That was Hindi.

---

Waiter: The Spruce Caboose, the biggest, most expensive train ever built. Some said it was too big to stay on the tracks.
[Points to a picture of the train lying on its side and chuckles]
Waiter: They were right.

---

Bart: Well, Milhouse. Ready to imitate that Jackass show?
Milhouse: The disclaimers make me want to do it more.

---

[Homer has just been shot]
Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.

---

Homer: [to Marge] You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.

---

Mr. Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
Chief Wiggum: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest for murder.
Mr. Burns: Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube.

---

[Bart and Homer are about to race their horse]
Homer: Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race.
Homer: [whispers to horse] When you're on the race track, run really fast.

---

Nelson: I can't sing without dancing.
J.C. Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick: Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix.
Nelson: Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid.
Ralph: I want to twirl.

---

Chief Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people?
Lou: Uh, second word, chief.

---

[the writers of MAD Magazine are in conference]
Writer: Why don't we call it "Everybody HATES Raymond"?
[Everybody laughs]
Chairman: Well, we had to stay here all night, but it was worth it.

---

[after being transported into the "Itchy & Scratchy Show"]
Bart: Lise, look. We're characters in a cartoon show.
Lisa: How humiliating.

---

[filing out medical forms]
Mr. Burns: Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.

---

[on TV, during an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon]
Quentin Tarantino: What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereal, man.
[Itchy cuts off his head and him and Scratchy dance around it]

---

Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.

---

Apu: Mrs. Simpson, bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house across the street.

---

Govt Agent: [about Homer's mail] Most people write to movie stars, this guy writes to movies.
[reads letter]
Govt Agent: Dear Die Hard, you rock. Especially the part where that dude is on the rooftop. P.S. Do you know Mad Max?

---

Homer: Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people.

---

[looking at a corporate logo with Lisa's face]
Moe: It makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke.

---

Kent Brockman: [Doing a live newscast] How can I prove that we're live? Penis.

---

Bart: Lis, you made the school worse than it already was. It wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with.

---

Bart: You could be my father figure.
Homer: No way. I'm not getting my finger prints on that train wreck.

---

Homer: I've joined the Movementarians, Marge.
Marge: You WHAT?
Homer: I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you.
Marge: We WHAT?
Homer: All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to our house, and a commitment of 10 trillion years of labor.
Marge: I can't go along with this, Homer.
Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family.
Lisa: Do you think you might have been brainwashed, Dad?
Homer: I haven't been brainwashed.
[Goes glassy eyed]
Homer: Kill the girl. Kill the girl.

---

Mr. Burns: You see me as a God, right, Smithers?
Smithers: Absolutely, sir.
Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you?
Smithers: Boy, would I.

---

[while listening to a football game on a Walkman in church]
Homer: Please, please, please, please...
Sportscaster: Yes, it's good.
Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.

---

Apu: Elton John.
Elton John: That's my name. Well, not really.
Apu: I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but...
[plane flies just overhead them]
Elton John: That maniac nearly killed us.
Apu: Shall I "Take You to the Pilot?" You see, because that is your song.
Elton John: I hear you.
Apu: Yes, "Somebody Saved Your Life Tonight."
Elton John: Cut it out.
Apu: Oh, well, "The Bitch is Back."

---

Lenny: Ah, alcohol and night-swimming. It's a winning combination.

---

[Homer is talking to Carmen Electra. She knows where his eyes are]
Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is UP here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

---

Mr. Burns: [to a group of senior citizens working for him] I'll take you to the biggest duck-filled pond you ever saw.
Grampa: Hot Diggity. That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

---

Nelson: ha ha your position has been usurped.

---

Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

---

[Ned is asked to join in a game]
Ned Flanders: Sports on a Sunday? I don't kno...
Reverned Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned

---

Homer: Hey, shouldn't you be at school?
Bart: Shouldn't you be at work?
Homer: Ah, touch.

---

Marge: Homer, it's easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun, too.

---

[Homer is playing a machine that shoots animated sperm from its gun in the "Let's Make a Baby" section in the knowledgeum]
Homer: C'mon, ovulate, damn you. Ovulate.
Machine voice: You are out of sperm.

---

[Sideshowbob is helping Homer, who has just been elected king of Mardi Gras, find his attempted killer]
Sideshow Bob: Homer it's a trap. You only won because someone filled the poll with these.
[shows votes with all the same handwriting]
Homer: Nevertheless, the people have spoken.

---

Lisa: Dad, I think you're overreacting.
Homer: I think you're UNDERreacting.
Lisa: This session's over.
Homer: This session's UNDER.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: BADbye.

---

[Homer is listening to Lisa playing her saxaphone while he's high on marijuana]
Bart: Hey, Dad, I thought you hated Lisa's sax.
Homer: I did, but now Daddy's new medicine... which you must never use. Because it will ruin your life... helps Daddy see the magical colors that you will never experience... EVER.

---

Jasper: Are they talking about the bordello?
Grampa: No. The burlesque house, so keep your mouth shut.

---

[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak.
[begins strangling Bart]

---

Homer: That's it. This job is too dangerous. I'm giving this badge to the first person I see.
Chief Wiggum: That's funny because this is how I got this job the first time.
Marge: Thank you, chief for saving my husband's life.
Chief Wiggum: I didn't do anything. They took my gun and my badge. They would have gotten my squad car too if I hadn't hidden it under some hay.
Homer: Then who shot all of the gangsters?
[Maggie looks out of the window and cocks her gun and hides it under her crib mattress]
Homer: It's time to go check on Maggie.
Marge: Isn't she sweet? She's probably thinking of the day that she shot Mr Burns.
Homer: Yeah.

---

Homer: [rubs a Christmas tree and it catches on fire] Why does everything I love burn?

---

Homer: I'll be the nicest man in the world!
Marge: Homer, you've said that before.
Homer: Yes, but this time I'm sober!

---

Carla Tortelli LeBec: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins the same night. You're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowin'!
Sam 'Mayday' Malone: All right, Carla, I'll make you a bet. If this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell the bar.

---

Indian Chief: Drink deep from these cups. The bear urine will make you strong.
[Homer and Bart stop drinking]
Indian Chief: Actually, it's Fresca.
Homer Simpson: [Homer does a spit take] Fresca?

---

[in gym]
Homer: Just think, two months ago I didn't know what dumb-bell meant.

---

[a police officer has mistaken a green-painted Homer for the Incredible Hulk]
Stan Lee: He's not the Hulk... I'M the Hulk.
[rips shirt, growls and tries to change into Hulk]
Stan Lee: I don't understand, I did it once before.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, you couldn't turn into Bill Bixby.

---

[Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the little league diamond and drive around the bases.
Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.
Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.

---

[Chief Wiggum is Polonius, Ralph Wiggum is Laertes. Bart, as Hamlet, has stabbed Polonius]
Ralph: Daddy's stomach is crying.

---

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

---

[Seeing a naked Homer dangling from a balloon]
Spectator: Look at that blimp... And he's hanging from a balloon.

---

Homer: I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying, but NOT WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.

---

Homer: Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view.

---

Dr. Hibbert: Lisa, I'm afraid your tummyache may be caused by stress.
Homer: Whew. That's a relief.

---

Moe: May I have this dance?
Woman: [walking away] It's all yours.

---

Kent Brockman: Human interest stories - they cloud the issues and fog the mind.

---

Lisa: [Lisa is disgusted with Bart's "phony schmaltz" kids' news features]
Lisa: They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake.

---

Lisa: Oh, figs.

---

[Lisa offers Homer apples instead of buffalo meat]
Homer Simpson: Oh boy, buffalo testicles.

---

Homer: Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey on my vacation away from workey.

---

Bart: Stan Lee came back?
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

---

[after being stabbed by Hamlet]
Chief Wiggum: I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed.

---

Ray Patterson: Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but, it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.
Moe: He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

---

[after being corrected by Lisa on the correct pronounciation of "foliage"]
Marge: All that gorgeous... foliage. I can't ex-cape Lisa, our little walking li-bary.

---

Moe: All right, I guess I might as well come clean. I'm not real good with women, and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's possessed by the dead spirit of my best friend's father.

---

Homer: Hey, Weener Boy... where do you think you'e going?

---

Homer: How much can I get for this?
[He hands the Comic Book Guy a mint condition Joe Dimaggio rookie card]
Comic Book Guy: Well, sir. I'm afraid your card is only worth... EVERYTHING I OWN.

---

Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?
Moe: Oh, I cannot listen to this again!

---

[At Moe's alma mater, the bartending college]
Professor: Moe Szyslak, you old glass wipe.

---

Lisa: Dad, this lack of sleep is making mom and Maggie crazy!
Homer: Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine?

---

[first lines of an episode]
Kent Brockman: ...which, if true, means death for us all.

---

[Bart is crank calling Moe's Tavern. Moe answers the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P.
Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely!

---

[singing along with an R.E.M. song]
Homer: Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party Cheet-Os, pogo sticks and lemonade, idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you!

---

Groundskeeper Willie: I lost all me "screw you" money.
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, Willie.
Groundskeeper Willie: Screw you!

---

Marge: Homer, there's a bird on your head.
Homer: I know, Marge, he's grooming me.

---

[Marge has written a book based on her and Homer]
Lisa: Dad will be upset when he reads that book.
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make a movie out of it?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they make a parody of it on Mad TV?
Bart: We're doomed!

---

Homer: I've got it! Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy to get the jack ruby.
Marge: Homer, Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer: Oh, back to square one.

---

Lisa: Wow, there's a lot about bullying I didn't know.
Nelson: Yes, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?

---

Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier.

---

Marge: Artie Ziff, why are you living in our attic?
Artie Ziff: Let me explain. I used to run an internet company.
Bart: Say no more.
Artie Ziff: I would stop, but I love the sound of my own voice.

---

[while spying on Homer at the food festival]
Captain McCallister: Homer's undone the top button on his pants.
Akira: He's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.
Captain McCallister: I'm surprised he doesn't just switch to sweat pants.
Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast.
Captain McCallister: [shudders] That'll replace the whale in my nightmares!

---

[after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop]
Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...
Bart: That's just his shopping list.
Milhouse: No, it's his instructions.

---

[armed with a bottle of chloroform, Homer approaches a security guard]
Homer: I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you take us to The Who!

---

Rev. Lovejoy: Once the government approves something, it's no longer immoral!

---

Krusty the Clown: I want my comedy to have a timeless quality.
Writer: Here's the final draft on that "Hanging Chad" sketch, Krusty.
Krusty the Clown: [reading] Heh heh. Oh good, you worked in Judge Ito.

---

Bart: Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!
Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.

---

Marge: [reading the back of a super glue tube] "In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician."

---

Homer: Hey, what's lucky hooked up to?
Nurse: A respirator. It breathes for him.
Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

---

Homer: Marge, promise me you'll put me in a home. It's like being a baby, only you're old enough to apreciate it.

---

Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby.
Homer: [slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl.
Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!

---

[Bart isn't wearing underwear]
Bart Simpson: Free and easy, Lis. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for maximum comfort.
Lisa: What are you talking about?

---

[Homer is singing while flossing his teeth]
Homer Simpson: When you have a rib-eye steak, you must floss it. Oh, that meatloaf tasted great. You must floss it. Now, floss it. Floss it good.

---

Nelson: Dad didn't leave... when he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!

---

Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me.
Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk.

---

Homer: [jumping on a bouncing castle] This must be what it's like in space.
Marge: You've been to space.
Homer: And yet, I've never been to me.

---

[Homer has a fudgesicle stuck to his back]
Homer: Hey Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back?
Lenny: All right, but this is the last time!

---

Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

---

Duff Man: [watering his plants] That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah!
Moe: [Moe walks up to him] Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face?
Duff Man: [Moe slaps the sticker onto his face, Duff man falls to the ground, struggling to get the sticker off] Duffman can't breath! Oh no!

---

Principal Seymour: Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmellows, or raining down on Charlie.

---

Marge: How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society?
Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hoboes.

---

Marge: It's the Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Bart are you wearing clean underwear?
Bart: Not anymore.

---

Lisa: Elegy for Geezer Rock: Postcard image, thing to see / to think of Springfield is to think of thee. / What thoughts be-pass a'hind thy mien? / Why sky art blue? Why trees art green? / And what, pray tell, did thine eyes see? / Perchance, old friend, they gazed at me. / Brought low by nature's oafish hand / thy crush-ed our reviewing stand. / And twixt thy stones glimpsed I the truth. / All things must pass. Thy face, my youth.

---

Mr. Burns: I love children, particularly their young supple organs.

---

Lisa: [auditioning people for her paper] What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Making nerds cry?
Lisa: Perfect! You can be our TV critic.

---

Bart, Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Please, we've been through so much together. Call me Bob.
Bart, Lisa: Aah! Bob!

---

[Homer wearing a beer keg on his head]
Homer: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland.
[everyone in the bar starts laughing]

---

Marge: You know, Homer, there's $500 in the air conditioning account.
Homer: Oh Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?
Bart: Not to mention eating like a pig and dressing like a pig.
Apu: Don't forget the smell.
Homer: Will you get off of my lawn?
Apu: Why don't you make me?
Homer: Why, you...! Oh, forget it.

---

Krusty the Clown: The faithful people at the Global Positioning System, is all the companionship I need...
[taps the GPS box, which delivers a healthy electric shock]
Krusty the Clown: AAAARGH!
[hurling the box over the side of the boat]
Krusty the Clown: Tell me where you are now you bastard!

---

[Bart and Lisa have been zapped inside the TV, and are being chased by Itchy and Scratchy when Homer changes the channel to "Regis & Kathie Lee"]
Kathie Lee: [cooking soup] OK, now we add salt.
[Bart and Lisa fall into the soup, splashing it]
Regis: OW! My eyes! My eyes! Oh, God! My beautiful eyes!
[Itchy and Scratchy fall in, also splashing]
Kathie Lee: That's it! I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself.
Regis: My eyes!

---

Chinese Dragon: [singing] American jerks are going home! / Now we sleep for a thousand years! / When we wake, the world will end!

---

Marge: [eight years in the future, praising technology] It's greeat! We can do *anything* now that Science has invented Magic.

---

[when The Simpsons are on holiday in Africa, Bart marks that he has seen a warthog to his animal card]
Lisa: Hey! You didn't see a warthog!
Bart: I'm looking at one right now.
Lisa: Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog!
Marge: Nobody's a warthog!
Bart: What about him?
[Lisa notices that there is actually a warthog right next to him]

---

Mayor Quimby: We will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a nearby city who will?

---

Warden: You will dance and you will like it. Then you will have punch and you will drink it. Then your eyes will meet and it will be awkward. So help me God!

---

Lenny: [Homer is on his way to bowling a perfect game. Lenny calls the waitress as Homer is about to roll the ball] Miss! Miss!
[Homer looks back at Lenny]
Lenny: Sorry. I was calling the waitress.
[Homer looks back to the pins]
Lenny: Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.
[Waitress takes banana split]
Homer: [Homer looks back at Lenny] Lenny...
Lenny: What? I paid $7.10 for this split.
Carl: Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumwad?
Lenny: Hey, spare me your gutter-mouth
[Homer throws the bowling ball at Lenny. Lenny groans in pain]

---

K'Tenge: [when he sees the family go down the river]
[shouts]
K'Tenge: Shaka Zulu!

---

[while Homer is sneaking into Burns' mansion]
Moe, Carl, Lenny: [cheering] Homer, Homer, he's our man, if he can't do it, no-one can!
Homer: [beset by hounds] Aaaaargghh!
Carl: Oh, I guess no-one can.
Lenny: He's done for. Let's get out of there!
Moe, Carl, Lenny: Aaaaaahhhhh!

---

Marge: How are the kids supposed to get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

---

Patty: I need a favor.
Homer Simpson: Hang on, I'll get my belt sander and try to grind the ugly off your face!
Patty: Ha, ha, ha, very funny.
Homer Simpson: I wasn't joking!
[pulls out a belt sander and turns it on]

---

Bart: [Smithers walks into the room with a sexy girl at his side] Smithers? I thought you were... ugh... you know!
Smithers: Not as long as I take these injections!
[injects himself]
Smithers: [shouts] I like boobies!

---

Manjula: You remind me of the monkey man who killed my father's chickens.
Lawyer: Yes, I get that a lot.

---

Homer: [singing, while hosing out the back of his ambulance] Here in my car/ I am hosing out blood / Some of it's mine / But most of it's not / Here's Marge.

---

Drederick Tatum: I have been paid millions to endorse these butt-ugly shoes.

---

Bill Gates: I didn't get rich by signing checks.

---

Marge: Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!

---

Rod Flanders: Can I have this shirt that says "Get Bent"?
Ned Flanders: Well, if that means to bend down and pray, sure!

---

Homer: [looking at a picture of refugees in a newspaper] Look at these refugees, Marge. Not even a smile.
Marge: They've undergone terrible hardships.
Homer: Well, moping won't help anything!

---

Krusty the Clown: It's not important to talk about who got rich off of whom, or who got exposed to tainted what...

---

Seymour: [singing] I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym, and art. Soon we will have the perfect school... where fun and excitement never starts.
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm so drunk I can barely see. But it helps me get through another day. My stomach is filled with haggis and ham. I've got to go puke in some hole.
Bart: Lisa is a fool.
Seymour: I think the rules are cool.
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm falling in the pool!

---

Dr. Julius Hibbert: How could you close the school?
Marge: What will become of our kids?
Homer Simpson: Where are the refreshments?
Principal Skinner: Now, you keep asking me that and I keep telling you, over there!

---

Congressman: Why, this news make my blood boil, my left arm feel numb, my mouth taste of copper! Arrgggh!
[congressman collapses]
Marge: He's had a heart-attack! Quick someone do CPR!
Homer Simpson: [singing] I see a bad moon rising.
Marge: No that's CCR!
Homer Simpson: Errr...
[singing]
Homer Simpson: Looks like we're in for nasty weather.

---

Otto: Spell AC/DC!
Lisa: A-C-D-C
Otto: Nuh-uh! You forgot the lightning bolt.

---

Townspeople: Aye!
Mayor Quimby: And all those against horsewhipping Homer J. Simpson?
Homer: Nay?

---

Lenny: Hey, what happened? It's bright in the middle of the night.
Carl: You know what this reminds me of. My Icelandic boyhood.

---

Homer Simpson: Who are you?
Andre Agassi: I'm Andre Agassi.
Homer Simpson: The wrestler?

---

Kirk Van Houten: If you see a tie on the door knob, that means I'm with a lady.
Homer: But you don't have a door knob.
Kirk Van Houten: I don't have a tie either!

---

Homer: Time to Trim the Mark
Bart: Way to use the lingo, Homer.
Homer: 10-4, Kemosabe.

---

Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

---

Bart: Woah! God is so in your face!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, he's my favorite fictional character.

---

Chief Wiggum: Well, boys, it looks like we solved the mystery of the missing ham.
Marge: You guys are the world's worst cops!
Chief Wiggum: No, now that I'm off-duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.

---

[Comic Book Guy makes a very sarcastic comment]
Lisa: Is he serious?
Professor Frink: [looking at the screen of a beeping gadget] Are you kidding? My sarcasm detector is off the charts!
Comic Book Guy: [extremely sarcastic] Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention!
[the sarcasm detector starts beeping frantically and then explodes from overload]

---

Homer: [pulls compliance chip out of his head]
Homer: I did it! And without any brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage...

---

[Homer bursts into Congress, drunk]
Homer: You call this a bicameral legislature?

---

Homer: [kicks a Saleswoman out of the house] We don't need your high-priced safety junk!
[Maggie falls from an upstairs window. The Saleswoman catches her, and gives her to Homer]
Homer: Oh, thank you.

---

[Driving home from Krusty's comedy show]
Homer Simpson: From now on, I'm going to be just like Krusty and tell it like it is! Marge, you're getting a little fat around the thighs.
Bart: Dad!
Homer Simpson: You too, Bart.
Marge: Oh Homer, be quiet, you're the fattest person in this car.
Homer Simpson: Aw... you didn't have to tell it like it is.

---

Stephen Hawking: [after being asked why he's at Lenny's Birthday Party at Moe's] I live here now, you're looking at the new owner of the Little Ceasers down the street. Pizza pizza Pizza pizza Pizza pizza Pizza pizza; sorry that button sticks.

---

Barney: [drunk, laying on the side of the road] Spell 'remorse'.
Lisa: R-E-M-O-R-S-E
Barney: [singing] That's what beer has done to me! Sockittome, sockittome, sockittome, sockittome!

---

Guard 1: [after Homer destroyed the bill of rights] You just licked off the part that forbids cruel and unusual punishment.
Guard 2: [putting on brass knuckles] Hehe, beautiful.

---

Mr. Burns: [answering the phone] Ahoy hoy?

---

Krusty the Clown: Homer gave me a kidney: it wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due- but I appreciated the gesture!

---

Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while

---

Principal Skinner: [an announcement made in front of the entire school] Due to budget cuts we had to sell the plastic skeleton and replace it with this Halloween costume. Also, the class trip to Italy is now "Spaghetti Night" in the school cafeteria, and your $1500 deposit is non refundable. Goodnight!

---

Marge: [reading] "Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpetuity throughout the known universe?"
[groaning]

---

Dredrick Tatum: [Talking to a reporter] Man that place is a dump. If you ever see me there you'll know I really f - ked up bad.

---

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