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"The Bill" (1984) > Memorable quotes
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"The Bill" (1984)
PC Jim Carver:
Bradford? She's got about as much community spirit as Adolf Hitler.
[to PC Klein]
Cass Rickman: You look like Dracula with the flu.
DC Mike Dashwood: Anything else?
DI Burnside: Yeah, a garage full of bricks.
DC Mike Dashwood: What kind of bricks?
DI Burnside: The kind the third little pig used to build his house out of. Brick, bricks.
PC Cass Rickman: Smithy thinks the lotus position is having sex in a flash car.
Sgt. Bob Cryer: Never Volunteer; it's an old army saying.
DI Burnside: I'll have to remember that next time I'm in an old army.
Sgt. Matt Boyden: When The Met employed Reg Hollis, they deprived a village of its idiot.
Chief Supt. Charles Brownlow: Did the prisoner hurt himself?
Sgt. Matt Boyden: Unfortunately not sir.
Sgt. Matt Boyden: Let's keep the off air chit-chat off air shall we.
Sgt. Alec Peters: Best thing to do is to close your office door.
Chief Inspector Derek Conway: Yeah, and tell the world to Foxtrot Oscar.
[to PC Best]
Insp. Gina Gold: Oh, and by the way, Gary, I've had to deal with enough knobs today. I'm sure it's very impressive, but keep it in your trousers, eh?
DCC Gordon Cooper: So, who should we expect a visit from?
Supt. Tom Chandler: DC Mickey Webb, small bloke, yaps like a dog.
PC Cathy Bradford: D'you think Reg is all right?
PC Gary Best: He's not exactly Rambo is he?
Insp. Gina Gold: Reg may not be a superhero, but I know who I'd like to be with me in a tight corner and it wouldn't be you, Best, all right!
PC Debbie Keane: [talking about a credit card thief Sonia Papadopoulos] Hey, you know this Sonia what's-her-face?
PC George Garfield: What you mean Sonia Shop-till-you-dropoulos?
DS John Boulton: [a lawyer standing in his underpants in a football changing room] Oh, great. The brief in briefs.
PC Jim Carver: Say you got a credit card, right?
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep.
PC Jim Carver: And some slag's got your details...
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep, yep.
PC Jim Carver: And they're usin' it, buying stuff.
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep, yep, what's your point?
PC Jim Carver: Well you are still entitled to the points aren't you?
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Penetrating intelligence like yours Jim, I don't know why you've not been promoted.
PC Jim Carver: You takin' the mickey?
DS Geoff Daly: [talking about a married suspect who's got his 24-year-old girlfriend pregnant and doesn't know what to do] Can't help feeling sorry for Ted
DC Rod Skase: What? C'mon! He's trading in his clapped out old Escort for a brand new GTi. Unfortunately it's got a baby seat built in as well!
DS Geoff Daly: You're a right bleeding heart Rod!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: [on the way to a roadblock to catch a thief who hit Boulton and escaped arrest] He's a dangerous man, Pol. So when we're checkin' these cars I want you to stay nice and close to me!
PC Polly Page: [Gary and George laugh] I thought that's what you meant!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: You may laugh but he's knocked the crap out of CID's finest!
PC George Garfield: Yeah well that's not very hard!
PC Gary McCann: From the description he sounds like a dwarf!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: Well he's a vicious dwarf! He kneed DS Boulton in the orchastra stalls!
DI Burnside: Annoyed? First Class passengers on the Titanic were annoyed. What I'm feeling now goes beyond that.
DI Burnside: I feel about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.
DI Burnside: Ask the real community what they want and they'll tell you loud and clear. Cuff 'em and stuff 'em.
DI Burnside: [on Brownlow's secretary Marion] I'd like to do the Lambada with her.
DI Burnside: I don't get stress... I give it.
PC Gabriel Kent: You think I'm afraid of you Kerry? I'm not. You're like a fly buzzing around me, waiting to be swatted away.
PC Kerry Young: Yeah, well we all know what flies are attracted to.
PC Lance Powell: He's so far in the closet, he might as well be in Narnia!
PC Sheelagh Murphy: I've got a husband, I know what it's like when a bloke's got the flu: somewhere between Ebola and Bubonic plague.
PC Honey Harman: I know what they say about me at the station. A bit 40 watts. Dim.
Insp. Gina Gold: This is not a Marxist collective, you know. When I say do it - you go do it.
PC Yvonne Hemmingway: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
[to DS Samantha Nixon]
DS Phil Hunter: Sergeants stick together; maybe you should join the club.
[about Inspector Gina Gold]
PC Jim Carver: How's the dragon this morning? Is she breathing fire or smoking it?
Insp. Gina Gold: Rules are rules, and if I thought for one minute you were bending them for anyone - including me - I'd kick you from hell to breakfast!
Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith: [pulls a quantity of drugs from a pushchair] "Makes a change from a cuddly toy".
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[to PC Klein]
Cass Rickman: You look like Dracula with the flu.
DC Mike Dashwood: Anything else?
DI Burnside: Yeah, a garage full of bricks.
DC Mike Dashwood: What kind of bricks?
DI Burnside: The kind the third little pig used to build his house out of. Brick, bricks.
PC Cass Rickman: Smithy thinks the lotus position is having sex in a flash car.
Sgt. Bob Cryer: Never Volunteer; it's an old army saying.
DI Burnside: I'll have to remember that next time I'm in an old army.
Sgt. Matt Boyden: When The Met employed Reg Hollis, they deprived a village of its idiot.
Chief Supt. Charles Brownlow: Did the prisoner hurt himself?
Sgt. Matt Boyden: Unfortunately not sir.
Sgt. Matt Boyden: Let's keep the off air chit-chat off air shall we.
Sgt. Alec Peters: Best thing to do is to close your office door.
Chief Inspector Derek Conway: Yeah, and tell the world to Foxtrot Oscar.
[to PC Best]
Insp. Gina Gold: Oh, and by the way, Gary, I've had to deal with enough knobs today. I'm sure it's very impressive, but keep it in your trousers, eh?
DCC Gordon Cooper: So, who should we expect a visit from?
Supt. Tom Chandler: DC Mickey Webb, small bloke, yaps like a dog.
PC Cathy Bradford: D'you think Reg is all right?
PC Gary Best: He's not exactly Rambo is he?
Insp. Gina Gold: Reg may not be a superhero, but I know who I'd like to be with me in a tight corner and it wouldn't be you, Best, all right!
PC Debbie Keane: [talking about a credit card thief Sonia Papadopoulos] Hey, you know this Sonia what's-her-face?
PC George Garfield: What you mean Sonia Shop-till-you-dropoulos?
DS John Boulton: [a lawyer standing in his underpants in a football changing room] Oh, great. The brief in briefs.
PC Jim Carver: Say you got a credit card, right?
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep.
PC Jim Carver: And some slag's got your details...
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep, yep.
PC Jim Carver: And they're usin' it, buying stuff.
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Yep, yep, what's your point?
PC Jim Carver: Well you are still entitled to the points aren't you?
DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines: Penetrating intelligence like yours Jim, I don't know why you've not been promoted.
PC Jim Carver: You takin' the mickey?
DS Geoff Daly: [talking about a married suspect who's got his 24-year-old girlfriend pregnant and doesn't know what to do] Can't help feeling sorry for Ted
DC Rod Skase: What? C'mon! He's trading in his clapped out old Escort for a brand new GTi. Unfortunately it's got a baby seat built in as well!
DS Geoff Daly: You're a right bleeding heart Rod!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: [on the way to a roadblock to catch a thief who hit Boulton and escaped arrest] He's a dangerous man, Pol. So when we're checkin' these cars I want you to stay nice and close to me!
PC Polly Page: [Gary and George laugh] I thought that's what you meant!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: You may laugh but he's knocked the crap out of CID's finest!
PC George Garfield: Yeah well that's not very hard!
PC Gary McCann: From the description he sounds like a dwarf!
PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton: Well he's a vicious dwarf! He kneed DS Boulton in the orchastra stalls!
DI Burnside: Annoyed? First Class passengers on the Titanic were annoyed. What I'm feeling now goes beyond that.
DI Burnside: I feel about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.
DI Burnside: Ask the real community what they want and they'll tell you loud and clear. Cuff 'em and stuff 'em.
DI Burnside: [on Brownlow's secretary Marion] I'd like to do the Lambada with her.
DI Burnside: I don't get stress... I give it.
PC Gabriel Kent: You think I'm afraid of you Kerry? I'm not. You're like a fly buzzing around me, waiting to be swatted away.
PC Kerry Young: Yeah, well we all know what flies are attracted to.
PC Lance Powell: He's so far in the closet, he might as well be in Narnia!
PC Sheelagh Murphy: I've got a husband, I know what it's like when a bloke's got the flu: somewhere between Ebola and Bubonic plague.
PC Honey Harman: I know what they say about me at the station. A bit 40 watts. Dim.
Insp. Gina Gold: This is not a Marxist collective, you know. When I say do it - you go do it.
PC Yvonne Hemmingway: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
[to DS Samantha Nixon]
DS Phil Hunter: Sergeants stick together; maybe you should join the club.
[about Inspector Gina Gold]
PC Jim Carver: How's the dragon this morning? Is she breathing fire or smoking it?
Insp. Gina Gold: Rules are rules, and if I thought for one minute you were bending them for anyone - including me - I'd kick you from hell to breakfast!
Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith: [pulls a quantity of drugs from a pushchair] "Makes a change from a cuddly toy".
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