The Breather:
Nurse Krud and Ms. Van Dyke. What's in a name? Everything.
The Breather:
Click.
Ms. Van Dyke:
Did you hang up?
The Breather:
No, I just said click.
[
Over the phone]
Ms. Van Dyke:
What makes your voice sound so funny?
The Breather:
I'm disguising it.
Ms. Van Dyke:
How?
The Breather:
By talking through a rubber chicken.
Ms. Van Dyke:
I thought it sounded like you were speaking through a rubber chicken.
Nurse Krud:
Dead men tell no tales, but they fart.
The Breather:
[
choosing a horsehead bookend for a murder weapon] Horsehead...
Mr. Dumpkin:
You don't need your family. You don't need your friends. As long as you have, a horsehead bookend.
[
overhears Toby talking]
Mr. Dumpkin:
Talking? During horsehead bookends? Who was that? Sure, the girl. What have we here, Miss Shouldn't-be-in-the-class-anyway?
Toby:
Well, it's a horsehead bookend, Mr. Dumpkin.
Mr. Dumpkin:
You stained it and everything. I couldn't have done a better job myself.
Toby:
That's what I was thinking.
[
the word SUSPECT flashes in front of Mr. Dumpkin]
The Breather:
[
after repeatedly stepping in gum] I'd like to kill the kid with the gum!
[
a blind man and a man in a wheelchair are arguing over the only handicapped parking space]
Charles Ray:
Hey, man, that's my parking space! Can't you see I'm blind?
Wheels:
Hey, I'm more handicapped than you! I can't even make love to a woman.
Charles Ray:
I can never find one! Now move it!
[
Patti pulls in and steals the space]
Wheels:
Hey, that's our parking spot!
Patti:
Great physical beauty can be a handicap, too.
Toby:
Who could have done these murders?
Hardy:
I don't know. It could have been anybody.
Toby:
Well, it can't be ANYbody. It's gotta be somebody.
Hardy:
Of course it's somebody, but that somebody could be anybody.
Toby:
Well, look, we didn't do it, right?
Hardy:
Right.
Toby:
So you can't say it could be anybody. WE'RE anybody.
Hardy:
True, but we're also somebody.
The Breather:
Why do they always run away from me? It's the galoshes. They're a dead giveaway. Why do I wear them? It isn't even raining!
Principal Peters:
Hasn't there been enough senseless killing? Let's have a murder that makes sense!
[
as Charlie attempts to make out with her]
Julie:
Not here. Not now.
Charlie:
Where? When?
Julie:
Upstairs. Ten seconds.
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, in order to achieve an "R" rating today, a motion picture must contain full frontal nudity, graphic violence, or an explicit reference to the sex act. Since this film has none of those, and since research has proven that R-rated films are by far the most popular with the moviegoing public, the producers of this motion picture have asked me to take this opportunity to say "Fuck you."
[
the MPAA R-rating logo appears on the screen]
Charlie:
Julie, you're not responding to my maleness.
The Breather:
[
on the phone] I'm gonna kill next at the football game. Click.
Ms. Van Dyke:
Did you hang up?
The Breather:
No, I just said "click".
[
then hangs up]
The Breather:
[
to the audience] Hello, it's me, The Breather. You're probably wonder who I am. Who could I be? Could I be the innocent looking Toby? Would you trust a girl who looked like Prince Valiant in a plum sweater? Maybe I'm Dr. Sigmund; a man who was once arrested for corrupting the morals of a hooker. Then there's Malvert; with an I.Q. of a handball and the personality of a parking meter: violated! Could I be the principal Mr. Peters; a man who keeps cheese in his underwear to attract mice? Let's not Ms. Leclair; English teacher by day and English teacher by night. Ah, Miss Mumsley; She's eats 12 prunes a day and nothing happens. Nurse Krud and Ms. Van Dyke; what's in a name? Everything! And then there Dumpkin; a man who sleeps with nuts in between horsehead bookends.
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